I honestly thought I would never be writing another post like this. After my third miscarriage was followed by almost three years of infertility we decided to stop trying. 

We felt it was a miracle that God had called us to adoption, as we found those doors opening I found myself completely releasing the desire to carry my own child. We were so excited to open our home to a child who needed us, to build our family through adoption.

When I looked down at the pregnancy test on July 11 and saw two pink stripes I was shocked, we had planned on starting our adoption process mid August, once we had settled in to our new home. As the shock melted away it was replaced by giddiness. This was it. I had spent the first seven months of the year dealing with my “stuff”, truly healing, truly trusting God’s plan for our life. I had once and for all surrendered control and given it to him. I would hold this baby in my arms and say, “God did this”. It was all Him.

And it was a miracle. It was a gift. It was all Him, and He is good.

But I won’t get to hold that baby in my arms. seventeen days was all we had. Seventeen days of prayer, of trusting, of turning everything over to Him. I spent my time telling my child of the Goodness of God, of His love for us. I spoke the truth of who He is over my baby.

I don’t understand. I am aching for her, even as I see my body go back to “normal”, even as the tears come. I had forgotten how deep this pain is, these first days after a loss. The pain of missing someone I never got to meet, the grief of losing all the dreams I had of her, from what we would dress her in for our trip to Disneyland next summer to where she would go to school, to who she would become. Years of teaching her about kindness and humour and everything life has to offer.

We didn’t just lose a “ball of cells”, we lost a life.

In the midst of heart ache I am leaning on God, more than I ever did with the other three. My relationship with Him has grown deeper this year. In the past I have felt betrayed, angry, forgotten, now I feel Him close to me. He is grieving with me, weeping with me.

In January I chose the word “flourish” as the word for my year and the verse I chose was Isaiah 43:18-19:

Forget the former things;

Do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness,

and streams in the wasteland.

We thought we were past the wilderness, it looks like we’re still wandering, but he’s doing a new thing, he’s making a way. There are streams of peace and love and care in this wasteland.

Be still and trust,

What the Lord has said is done,

Find rest, don’t strive

Watch as faith and grace align

Be Still – Hillsong Worship