It seems fitting that your birthday is the first of our “difficult days”. Spring and summer are filled with cruel reminders of what we have lost. From due dates that have passed (or will pass for the first time), to Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, to the anniversaries of three discovered pregnancies followed by three miscarriages, the months from March through September each have at least one day where we are aching for you and your siblings.
Your birthday (aka the day you would have been due) is the first though, and it is fitting because you were the first and my pregnancy with you was special. I had somewhere between twenty and twenty five days with you – knowing you existed- and those days were some of the happiest of my existence. You were my longest pregnancy and the only one untouched by fear. We were so blissfully unaware of what the next two years would hold and we were just so excited about you.
I was so tired. Daddy and I were both working at the same church that summer and we would go home for lunch (we lived close by) and he would make lunch and I would sleep for half an hour and then eat my lunch at my desk when we got back. With every pregnancy I have craved leafy green veggies and fresh things but with you I also really wanted orange juice and gummy worms. It was too soon to have “pregnancy cravings” but that’s what I wanted to eat those weeks with you.
We did so much research in those few days. Strollers and car seats and cribs, things we didn’t need to worry about for months but we just couldn’t wait, we wanted you with everything we had. This was before Pinterest had “secret” boards so I tried to be really careful about pinning because I didn’t want to lie if anyone asked if I was pregnant.
I wish we could have kept you. Held you. Seen your heart beat. Daddy never even got to see an ultrasound. We love you so much and are so thankful for the days we had with you.
You changed my life, son. We named you Peter, sort of as a joke (sorry), after Peter Pan (because you were our lost boy) but as I was looking for a name this past summer for your brother I realized how fitting your name is. Peter means “rock”. The year that followed our loss was so life changing and I will always look back on it as a year of building a strong foundation. Because of you your father and I learned so much about each other, about how to love each other and about God and His love for us. Because of you I have had the opportunity to speak to and comfort other mothers who have lost their babies far too soon. Because of you I knew to cherish each day that I knew I was pregnant with your sister and with your brother.
God has been so good to us through all of this. He has walked along side us and comforted us, I know He has wept with us. You are so lucky that you get to spend all of eternity with Jesus.
I wish I was getting ready to throw you the best 2nd birthday party ever, but I bet heaven is more fun than anything I could put together.
We love you Peter, happy birthday.